Wednesday, October 12, 2011

How I Became An Internationally Famous Blogger, And How You Can Too

Several weeks ago, the number of daily hits on MyGreenVermont suddenly skyrocketed.  It's always good to know that one is not just a voice crying out in the desert, so I was pleased.  What is more, my readers seemed to be spread not only across the United States, but all over the planet.  While I slept in my bed at night, people in England, Sweden, France, Austria, Italy and Poland were reading my blog.  So were people in Turkey, Ghana, the Philippines, Vietnam, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and the United Arab Emirates.

I couldn't figure out the reason for this explosion of my faithful but modest readership.  Then it occurred to me to check the search terms that my new fans were using.

About a year ago, when Bisou came into heat, I wrote some posts about the reaction of my big German Shepherd, Wolfie.  He followed her around day and night, whining.  He stood over her and washed her face and drooled over her until her hair stood up in points.  He lost weight.  It was intense but entirely platonic, Wolfie being neutered.  The posts were humorous, but hardly salacious.  They didn't even have drawings.  On the labels at the bottom of the posts I listed:  dogs, dog behavior, dog sex.

And that is what my international fans are googling:  dog sex.

I have several questions about this.  First, who are these people, and why are they staying up all night researching this subject?  Have we wandered so far from Nature that the sex life of dogs has become exotic and mysterious?  I would think that my readers in third-world countries would be especially familiar with dog sex, having only to look out their windows to witness the real thing.

Second, why do people keep looking for this topic in as unrewarding a site as MyGreenVermont?  You'd think that the dog-sex aficionados who find me would be so disappointed that the word would get out in the international weirdo community and interest would quickly die out, but not at all.  To these frustrated but persistent hordes, I can only say:  I'm sorry, lo siento, tant pis!

Third, why do so many of my new fans come from Muslim countries?  Don't they know that their religion considers dogs unclean?  And aren't they risking the ire of the Prophet by googling not just dogs, but dog sex?

I may never find the answer to these questions, for who knows the ways of the blogosphere?  But to anyone out there seeking fast fame through blogging: now you know what to do.

10 comments :

  1. Incredibly funny. It just proves that the entire world (blogosphere) is truly all f****ed up. Think of your readership; write dog sex in everything you write and you will be world famous. Amazing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Regarding your third question, I wonder if these people consider themselves to be some sort of "dog sex police." In any case, the whole issue is rather a downer, isn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  3. you are hilarious. and yes, looking at the search terms people follow to our blogs can be quite demoralizing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. omg. That's hilarious. My entry about the sea monkeys gets the most hits overall on my blog, but I don't know what they're looking for...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Susan, that frightening possibility hadn't occurred to me!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Maybe dogs in Muslim countries are more evolved and have learned to use computers and Google. We coodle our dogs too much and they don't have to even find their mates if they get to have them ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I just googled dog sex, and you'll be happy to know you're not on the first page.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Indigo, this goes to show you how desperate this people are--they're clicking through page after page of sites.

    ReplyDelete