Farmer's Patter

A.M. chores: "Hello, hens, goats and Charlemagne. How was your night? Did you keep each other warm? Here's your grain, Blossom and Alsiki, my little princesses. Eat nicely and don't upset the dish while I open your door. Look! The sun is out! I want you to get some rays later on, when it's warmer. Sunlight is good for goats. Here, I'll scrape the ice off the steps so you can get out.

O.k., hens, here I come with your breakfast. Yessir, mash soaked in hot milk! Nothing's too good for my girls. Charlemagne, the frostbite on your comb is looking better this morning. I'm going to open your little trap door and I want you all to go outside later, you hear? You've been cooped up too long. Any eggs yet? Guess not

Here's some clean water with apple cider vinegar. Drink up, everybody!

Oh, you sweet goats, you've finished all your grain. Now you get some petting. I know, Alsiki, we must touch noses. Blossom, please leave off nibbling my sleeve. Here, I'll stroke you too. I know you love it, though you pretend not to. Yessss, good old belly rubs.

All right everybody, I have to go take a shower. Be nice to each other, and I'll see you later."

P.M. chores: "It's me again. And how was your day? Did you evil little goats get into the chicken coop again? Here's your evening grain to eat while I gather the eggs.

What! Only one egg? Ladies, there are seven of you. What is going on? The days are getting longer and sure, it's cold, but what about that hot breakfast I gave you? Never mind, you'll do better tomorrow. Buffy, stop knocking Red off the roost. You've got water, you've got food, and I've shut your trap door to keep out the evil night creatures. Charlemagne, you're in charge. Sleep well and keep each other warm.

Here, goats of my heart, is some hay to get you through the night. And let me give you your bedtime strokings. Ahhhh, isn't it nice to be warm little goats on a soft bed of hay, tummies full, door shut tight against coyotes? O.k., one more kiss. Snuggle up now, and I'll see you in the morning."

Disgusting, you say? You should hear how I talk to my dogs.